by Maggie Estep, The Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere

I am THE SEX GODDESS OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE

so don't mess with me

I've got a big bag full of SEX TOYS

and you can't have any

'cause they're all mine

'cause I'm

the SEX GODDESS OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE.



"Hey," you may say to yourself,

"who the hell's she tryin' to kid,

she's no sex goddess,"

But trust me,

I am

if only for the fact that I have

the unabashed gall

to call

myself a SEX GODDESS,

I mean, after all,

it's what so many of us have at some point thought,

we've all had someone

who worshipped our filthy socks

and barked like a dog when we were near

giving us cause

to pause and think: You know, I may not look like much

but deep inside, I am a SEX GODDESS.


Only

we'd never come out and admit it publicly

well, you wouldn't admit it publicly

but I will

because I am

THE SEX GODDESS OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE.



I haven't always been

a SEX GODDESS

I used to be just a mere mortal woman

but I grew tired of sexuality being repressed

then manifest

in late night 900 number ads

where 3 bodacious bimbettes

heave cleavage into the camera's winking lens and sigh:


"Big Girls oooh, Bad Girls oooh, Blonde Girls oooh,

you know what to do, call 1-900-UNMITIGATED BIMBO ooooh."



Yeah

I got fed up with the oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

I got fed up with it all

so I put on my combat boots

and hit the road with my bag full of SEX TOYS

that were a vital part of my SEX GODDESS image

even though I would never actually use

my SEX TOYS

'cause my being a SEX GODDESS

it isn't a SEXUAL thing

it's a POLITICAL thing

I don't actually have SEX, no

I'm too busy taking care of

important SEX GODDESS BUSINESS,

yeah,

I gotta go on The Charlie Rose Show

and MTV and become a parody

of myself and make

buckets full of money off my own inane brand

of self-righteous POP PSYCHOLOGY

because my pain is different

because I am a SEX GODDESS

and when I talk,

people listen

why ?

Because, you guessed it,

I AM THE SEX GODDESS OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE

and you're not.
...Full poem